BedBlogger

Monday:

by Moni Onojeruo

in Bed

with Momo





  1. 1. Officially I have emotionally unstable (or borderline) personality disorder, with a side of severe anxiety and complimentary chronic depression. Sometimes my bed is my refuge and sometimes it’s my prison. My personality disorder is a diagnosis of contention, a neurological disorder heavily dependent on a normative standard of how to think, feel and interact with others – most of the time I don’t do that the right way. As I learnt to be aware of my triggers, and the tell-tale signs of my health going into crisis my bed remains my most consistent coping mechanism. I spent years terrified of feeling, thinking or doing the wrong thing; so I hide in my bed. But it’s also a source of comfort. I can’t control/regulate my emotions to the expected standard but I can provide a safe space to experience distress. As I continue to work on my relationship with my bed I find myself getting better at acknowledging my depressive and dissociative state. Finding ways to care for myself when the most I can do is exist.

  2. 2. Trying to make a plan for when my regular depression collides with winter lockdown depression. Top of my triggers list is a messy bedroom but I’m struggling to remember what my default state is.



I’ve Perfected the Art of Bed Days

It’s only taken me ten years but I think I’ve pretty much figured out how to have the perfect bed day. 


Entertainment

The key is to find a show with a fair amount of seasons and just rewatch that over and over again. Get to the point where you know each seasons plot inside and out. This way you can fall asleep watching your show, wake up and have not missed a thing. There’s also a sense of reassurance in knowing what’s next (wish I had that reassurance when I leave my bed) that calms my anxiety.


 I prefer streaming sites like Amazon Prime and Netflix to Now TV and it’s all down to not needing to click that next episode button. Despite doing nothing but staying in bed all day I don’t actually have the attention span for new shows most of the time. The only issue right now I’m growing bored of my current rotation, so I’ve decided to break it up with The Matrix.


Food

It’s funny, I’m actually a decent cook, but I don’t like cooking all that much. There’s definitely a relationship between the state of my mental health and my need to overspend. I have my go to depression meals, they range from pastas, to cereals and then at the bottom of the list is a cup of tea and sleep. When there’s money in the bank I’ll spend hours contemplating a take away. Chinese works best right now, I’ll order bucket loads of food that’ll last a couple of meals. I’ll binge on half of it straight away and feel too sick to eat the rest of the day.


Sleep

Gone are the day’s of sleeping on the floor. When I moved back in with my rents I invested in one of those mattress advertised on the tube (shout out to those train discount codes), sometimes I miss sleeping on the floor. I’m beginning to think it doesn’t matter anyway, no matter how fancy the bed, I can’t quite escape the inevitability of an aching body.


Socialising

I feel like I have a real life body and my bed body. Sometimes I can pretend for a while that I’m not bed bound. From my phone I can give the illusion that I’m okay. Eventually messaging friends seems meaningless, my responses are less frequent, I’ll start to test if people notice. When people stop checking in I’ll convince myself they never cared to begin with.


Hygiene

Don’t feel bad you haven’t brushed your teeth in days, just chew some gum next time your housemate comes to check on you. Remember to open the window every few hours to air out that musty smell. Forgo underwear and invest in biodegradable wet wipes – you can get 40 bath in bed wipes for £10 on amazon.


Work

  1. I’m still figuring this one out. For the first time in my ten years of working I’ve found an employer who is supportive of my disability. I don’t feel bad for letting them know I won’t come to work hours before I started work. It’s taken too many emotional breakdowns at work to get there. In the past my best option was working from home. If you can, get a job that pays sick leave.

  2. 3. It’s 2019, I forced myself to go to work even though the entire time I’ve been trying to stifle an anxiety attack. Crying in public spaces is nothing new to me. Two hours into work my manager tells me to go home because I’m clearly in emotional distress. All subsequent shifts are cancelled so I can take care of myself. I need an income to take care of myself.

4. A room with a view.

5. How it started vs. How it’s going.


  1. 6. I might have agoraphobia, its 2018 and I’ve missed most of the term for my MA course. Ironically an experiment on collaboration makes me feel like my cohort find me volatile. What’s the point of disclosing your health if adjustments aren’t made to make you feel safe? I’ll spend the entirety of Easter in bed. I’m still struggling with my emotions being unpredictable. 



7. I’m tired


I’m tired of my bed


I’m tired of being alone


I’m tired of feeling too much


I’m tired of regulating my emotions


I’m tired of crying all day


I’m tired of crying all night


I’m tired of crying headaches


I’m tired of trying to sleep


I’m tired of getting no sleep


I’m tired of forcing myself to eat


I’m tired of trying to take care of myself


I’m tired from emotional exhaustion


I’m tired of escaping this world


I’m tired of not knowing whats wrong


  1. I’m tired of trying to be better


Depression is tiring.



  1. 8. sing the other half of my bed as storage space for the books I might get round to reading if I feel a bit better. 



9. It’s the feeling that’s the worse part.


An indescribable wave of emotions. It’s strange to both feel everything yet feel like you don’t exist.So you shut yourself off, master the skill of existing without feeling. It’s a skill that comes with consequences, personal hygiene, mental clarity. It’s the ability to live without living. 



If you don't get out of bed, you'll lose your fucking job

  1. Willing myself to get out of bed isn’t working. I cried when I woke up, I cried in the shower, I cried on the stairs trying to figure out if I’ll be able to hold it in today. I feel like shit, and I’m convinced my therapist thinks I’m lazy when I stay in bed. My manager told me I need to leave my personal things at home, but she’s also told me I need to not make a habit of calling in sick at the last minute. It’s 2016, I’m 25 and I’m a few months away from quitting my job. I’ve still not realised I’m having anxiety attacks, and I’m having anxiety attacks because I’m terrified of having panic attacks in public spaces. I’m not sure if we’re going with desensitisation but the unhelpful push from my therapist to feel ashamed for staying in bed means I’m actually finding myself having more anxiety and panic attacks. I’m in a constant state of distress. Today I decide to send a short message to my manager ‘I’m unwell to work today, hoping to be back in tomorrow’. It still feels like I’m lying because I’m still convinced I have control of my mental health.8. sing the other half of my bed as storage space for the books I might get round to reading if I feel a bit better. 




It only gets better

  1. It’s 2016, I’m waiting for my new diagnosis. The good news is experiencing psychosis isn’t an indication of schizophrenia which I was terrified about. The bad news is I’m still about to get diagnosed with a personality disorder. I’ll tell myself that words are important, a diagnosis means there’s research, I’ll begin to understand myself better. I thought the same thing when I was told I had bipolar eight years ago.




10.


  1. 11. It’s 2015, I’ve found love and it’s effortless. It doesn’t make sense to move in but we did it anyway. My 40 min journey into uni now lasts 2 hours. It doesn’t matter though, I don’t go anyway. Did you actually ask me to move in? Like formally? Spending time with you is effortless, days in bed, the curtains rarely open, I can smoke out the window without getting out of bed. You go to your classes I stay in bed for mine. We’re still in the honeymoon stage, sometimes I take walks, so it looks like I went to classes. Eventually I give up, you’ll find me where to left me. If anything, I’m consistent.




Why would you move to Reading if you study in East London?


M – we spend most of our time in Reading. It just made sense


J – Moni spends most of their time in my bed. It just made sense


Colleague – what did you get up to this weekend?


Moni – I mostly just stayed in bed





  1. 12.TW//Self Harm


  1. It’s 2009, I’m having a guilt free sick day. I’ve ruined my stomach lining with codeine but I can’t be kicked out of bed if I’m physically sick.