BedBlogger

Wednesday:

Me and My bed

by Lucy Hutson

I’m currently 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have got into a routine that enables me to ride out the worst of the morning time section of the days predictable morning sickness nausea

it lasts from about 5am to 12:30PM

The routine is unnervingly similar to times in my life I’ve been under the weight of depression 


Both times I wake up alone at around 5 with not much else to do but watch the room get lighter feeling both a disappointment that the night is over and the day must again be handled as well as a relief that the frustrations of the night are over


Its also very different now I’m getting frustrated with insomnia 

constantly needing to piss 

and cramp in my legs cos I can only lie in 2 fucking positions 

I’m not frozen with the fear of everything being both ruined and unsalvageable 


I wake up now with sickness from my stomach that I ease with anti-sickness tablets 

My stomach doesn’t knot with guilt and regret 


But I do the same things to distract myself from my churning guts 

I listen to radio 4 sitcoms I’ve heard before 

I scroll through social media 

I doze 

and I day dream  


It’s a strange part of the day ware nothing seems to happen but time goes by quickly the sun fills the room with light and there comes a point where you have to admit the day has started at around 9, 10 ok 11

  

at that point when the days arrival is unavoidable 

I sit up wrap the duvet around myself and open my lap top for stage 2 of distraction 


Watching things 


to add an element of entertainment whilst I slowly eat the blandest of the foods and wait 

for nausea to lift 

poppadom’s 

bread sticks 

popcorn 

I don’t obsess over my immediate problems they don’t feel all-encompassing and debilitating I do worry about them and I think about how to solve them 


However I can’t hide from the residual memories brought back by my morning sickness AM routine reflecting the hours and hours I’ve spent in bed hiding from the world 


It can serve as a strange vacuum of life the bed 

to the depressed bed dweller a simple duvet can serve as a barrier to the world 

Giving you the delusion of a safe place to create your own existence but ware your more likely to punish yourself 


I’m not sure exactly why there being parallels between the 2 morning routines puts me on edge 


maybe it’s just the reminder of how I used to feel 

the worry I could feel like that again and I could feel like that whilst I’m supposed to be giving a child a healthy happy childhood 


maybe it’s the shear frustration at my incapability to function 


Here I am about to need to be the most responsible I have ever had to be 

And I’m sitting naked in bed at mid-day nibbling of rice crackers and watching any and all science fiction that has even the faintest lesbian undertones  


But then what exactly is it that I think would make me feel responsible and ready 

should I get up with the dawn 

right in my blessing journal whilst drinking spirulina smoothies 

sit about knitting pastel shade blankets 

 

I wonder how much other pregnant people worry that there not doing better at it 



Lucy by Holly Revell